︽淼︾

八月·残喘

Mon, 04 Aug 2008 01:36:30 GMT

天气很好...

想出去春游野餐

8月25日

Quoted from Car Roger's Personality Theory.

-----About conditional positive regards

Our society also leads us astray with conditions of worth. As we grow up, our parents, teachers, peers, the

media, and others, only give us what we need when we show we are "worthy," rather than just because we

need it. We get a drink when we finish our class, we get something sweet when we finish our vegetables, and

most importantly, we get love and affection if and only if we "behave!"

Getting positive regard on "on condition" Rogers calls conditional positive regard. Because we do indeed

need positive regard, these conditions are very powerful, and we bend ourselves into a shape determined, not

by our organismic valuing or our actualizing tendency, but by a society that may or may not truly have our

best interests at heart. A "good little boy or girl" may not be a healthy or happy boy or girl!

Over time, this "conditioning" leads us to have conditional positive self-regard as well. We begin to like

ourselves only if we meet up with the standards others have applied to us, rather than if we are truly

actualizing our potentials. And since these standards were created without keeping each individual in mind,

more often than not we find ourselves unable to meet them, and therefore unable to maintain any sense of

self-esteem.

-----About the incongruity of our personality

To the extent that our society is out of synch with the actualizing tendency, and we are forced to live with conditions of worth that are

out of step with organismic valuing, and receive only conditional positive regard and self-regard, we develop instead an ideal self.

This gap between the real self and the ideal self, the "I am" and the "I should" is called incongruity. The greater the gap, the more incongruity.

The more incongruity, the more suffering.

我们总是很难有自主的生活，总是为了这个人为了那个人而做某些事情.因为别人寄予你期望，你怎忍心让别人失望？

可正因为太过在意别人眼中的自己，我们会有人格分裂的倾向.我们在不同的人面前展现着不同的自己.

如今，我找到了真实的自己.却是那个与现实出入很大的我.不懂事，不讲理，幼稚，暴躁，脆弱，但是却单纯，容易满足...找到了那个无法回到现实中的自己.

我看着和人们连在一起的自己，还有真实的自己，相差甚远，我在其中挣扎着.我贪恋那样单纯的我，可是我不能失去生活.

明年要住两人房了，我突然发现自己没有合住的室友.和我想出的比较舒服的人们是都不能和我住在一起的，要么是男的，要么是学姐，要么不同校...剩下的女生们要么跟我作息差异太大，要么不投脾气，投脾气的合得来的又会有比我更好的选择，因为她们太popular了.还有一种，找我住我也不想跟某人住.

那就再给我安排个ASEAN室友吧，从此正式开始antisocial的生活。那才是真正的自己.

8月15日

I was really pissed. Due to a small mistake, I lost everything in my macbook. No backup, such a mishap! Yesterday, I went to NLB and tried my best to recover as many softwares as possible.

At the moment that I found everthing was deleted, a twinge of emptiness set in my brain. My diaries, my music, my pictures!!! Those irreplaceable memories and fragments of emotions.

8月18日

新加坡女子乒乓球到底还是输给中国了.我们不能放假了.

其实我一直很迷惑，新加坡的运动员身为中国人，在祖国第一次举办奥运会的时候一定很激动。难道他们不希望自己的国家赢吗？他们是更偏袒自己的队伍呢？还是更偏袒自己的国家呢？

最近看报纸，新加坡媒体有些一直在抨击林妙可假唱.其实，当时看那篇报道的时候，心里也很不是滋味.那个女孩的确漂亮可爱，也许她还惊喜于能登台亮相，可难道不为自己的花瓶形象感到不安吗？那个在后台演唱的女孩，被采访时说，她的声音能够出现在开幕式中就满足了.那样纯美的童音来自于一个外貌平淡的女孩子.音乐制作人说，他们需要最好的声音，还最美的外貌.两者自不能全.

上帝是公平的，每人都有自己的特长和不足.可人们真的能够公平的对待这些不足与优势吗？

刘翔脚扭伤了，没能比赛.试跑的时候，每个人都摒住呼吸看着屏幕，甚至有很多逃课的人.我一直有种不祥的预感，大家给刘翔太多压力了.所以，果然不出所料.刘翔的名字排在了最后.

当初刘翔破那个纪录，真不知道是福是祸.

人还是稳稳当当的走路吧...

8月15日

Time flies.

Lecture assessment and exams are approaching. I hope that everyone can take them easy. Well, no stress, no conflicts, life could be all that easy.

I shouldn't be whining all along. My feelings could be changed by a different perspective towards life.

8月12日

盼望了数年的北京奥运。

希望祖国一切顺利。

8月06日

今天是JC1的Feeling Fab,就是一天不上课.从外面请来好多老师，教我们HipHop, breakdance, magic, kickboxing, rockclimbing, yoga etc.我和同学一起学的HipHop,不过我好像天生就不是跳舞的料，跟不上节奏，记不住动作阿。

下午的活动才是最精彩的。有karting, archery, forest adventure, coffee appreciation, horse riding, jewellery making, baking etc.我拉着朋友一切和我选chocolate appreciation哈哈，我太喜欢巧克力了啊...拭目以待，不,拭嘴以待.

这一周好忙，周一吉他考试，昨天聂娇过生日，今天feeling fab，明天GAS JTS(junior treat senior)，后天新加坡国庆，我们还要outing，还有奥运开幕式.周末，我们要重新写project work的wriiten report,差不多都有一本那么厚了.想想就觉得累.

其实，我觉得自己每天能早起，面对一天的繁忙，就很有勇气了.

最近可能因为太忙，又点上火，总爱耍脾气.自己一使性子就后悔，我都18岁了，连控制自己情绪都不会.发泄，有正当发泄途径，不能影响到周围人的情绪阿.我还总觉得自己成熟，连这一点都做不到.

在这样下去，就没人疼了...哈哈

8月05日

聂娇，生日快乐！

I gotta take the re-assessment for guitar. It's damn frustrating. However, if other guitarists could juggle practicing guitar with studies, why couldn't I?

There're lots of things I need to reflect on.

If others can do well, I do not. Does it mean something?

8月04日
博客很久没有更新，因为我在宿舍上不了网，加上学习越来越刻苦的缘故.原来一下课就到com lab，现在偶尔会在朋友的带动下去library.
最近情绪波动很大，因为学习压力很大.
今天吉他考试，祝我过关.每天练到午夜，虽然是午夜前才开始练.指头都脱皮了...

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七月＊蓝馨

Sun, 29 Jun 2008 06:20:51 GMT

7月20日

Just finished CIP. We were to sell wristband and balloons for charity. To tell the truth, the wristbands were super ugly. Within my expectation, we walked for 3 hours and sold only two! Well, some people would just like to donate, they din want the ugly wristbands.

The weather was so hot. I felt so lethargic and numb.

7月16日
有的时候，我们觉得做某些事情很困难也许是因为我们潜意识里给自己太多负担.
我们觉得它是艰难做的事，于是我们就很不情愿去做。时间拖得久了，我们会觉得做了很久都没有成果，更会被困难压倒。但等硬着头皮做完了以后，发现其实并没有想象得那么难，又由于我们自己的心理障碍导致不能高质量的完成它.
困难是纸老虎.

7月15日
I'm still struggling with my EoM. My current mood is upset and super irritated! It's so damn difficult to snatch an article which relevant to our project. The stupid PW pissed me off...Why do I have to suffer such torment?
变得很没斗志,连一点继续的勇气都没有.我想撞破面前的玻璃,跳到新加坡河里,再也不上来....

7月14日
今天General Paper的成绩发下来了，算下来52.5/100，考了个E.比我想象中的要好得多
当时考试思绪很混乱，summary的points怎么都找不到。当时真是心灰意冷。结果考了3.5/8的确很恶心。时间很紧，大脑很慢，卷子没有答完，Application Question草草写了一点，得了1/8。也很恶心。
让我惊讶的是，在我没有答好summary 和AQ的情况下我还及格了.我的essay每一行都有expression error 和grammatical error，竟然也及格了。还真是喜出望外，分数在班里算是还不错的，和水平一般的新加坡人差不多...
得意完了以后，我想检讨一下自己，半年了，一本英文书都没有看，没有坚持看英语读物，同学们都订了newsweek和Times我什么都没买，也什么都没看.我太让自己失望了。
吕珍娜，你不好好学英语，就等着歇菜吧..
你要想想自己当时为了什么放弃history和econs选了中华文学.你好意思因为文学考第一而沾沾自喜吗？大半年过去了，你都做了什么？说是要花时间去充实自己，自我提高，spanish学了几天就撂下了？
吕珍娜，你都让自己失望了还想为谁争光呢？
你还配拥有那些理想吗？你配吗？

7月3日
Finally I got A for c.lit, 79/100, quite satisfactory and comforting...
What I must change is my attitude.
I'm way too lazy and slack :( Though I'm not motivated enough to try as hard as I can, I can't find the one who can really stir up my passion towards putting effort in things that I dislike but have to manage doing well....

7月6日

这两天的生活又回复到了假期的平静.闲着没事出去走走.晚上和他一起去看Hancock,又意料之中昏睡过去.没办法,我觉得自己不适合在电影院看电影.不过还是有很多想看的电影,比如The deception, Get smart还有早都想看的Kung Fu Panda.他下了,改天再一起看吧,假期我们两个搞了不少电影,有闲情逸致就一起看个电影.

回想假期,把Heroes两个seasons都看完了,觉得还不错,至少很fetching.前几天看了,很受鼓舞,觉得人就应该像野草一样顽强.并不是只有强者才能存活,活下来的就是强者!

Lost还没看,因为只有一季,而且听说十分好看,想等到以后慢慢欣赏.美剧并不是所有都很烂,想想平时写argumentative writing,总是说Hollywood shows glorified sex and violence.还好啦,如果所有电视剧或者电影能做到sex and violence free,还会有人看吗?...呵呵,人们嘴上说不好,不代表不喜欢嘛.

考试成绩基本上发下来了,觉得自己考得还不错.不过还是很受打击,不管多难的考试,总有人能考出惊人的分数.也罢.没有必要一味和别人攀比,按照自己的计划一步一步走吧,安逸但不拖沓.还是很满意最近的生活.

习惯了平时学习生活,社交生活中的磕磕绊绊,更加珍惜生活平静的脉搏.

7月3日

I'm already torn.

7月2日

Ok. Guitar final sectioning was out. I got into my first choice-bass. I'm the only girl with 6 other guys:) Actually, nobody preferred bass 'cos you can only play the chords. Anyway I suck so I deserved to be in bass. Maybe I would still be the black sheep since all the boys play very well. I gotta buck up...

The weather is hot. I feel lethargic. Someone is under depression those days b'cuz of me. Sorry:(

I'm in dilemma. I can't save myself but have to pull myself through this miserable situation.

7月1日

"Dear Bobbie"-Yellowcard

Dear Bobbie, Do you remember when you were young and very pretty? I do.

I remember pleated skirts, black and white sattle shoes.
Do you remember dancing that night?
I do, I still think of you when we dance,
Although we cant jitterbug as we did then.

Do you remember when,
How long has it been?
1945 you opened my blue eyes,
To see a whole new life.

Do you remember when,
I told you this that night,
That if you're by my side,
When everyday begins,
I'll fall for you again.
I made a promise when,
I told you this that night.

I'll be fine.
When I die, then I die loving you.
It's alright, I'll be fine.
When I die then I die loving you,
Loving you, loving you.

Do you remember the times we would give up on each other and get back together.
Then we finally was married in 1949.
We drove the yellow convertible all night long.
Do you remember? I do.

Life has led us here,
Together all these years.
This house that we have made,
Holds twenty-thousand days.
And memories we've saved,
Since life has lead us here.

And I'll be fine.
Cause when I die, then I die loving you.
It's alright, I'll be fine.
Cause when I die then I die loving you,
Loving you, loving you.

I'm coming home to you,
Stepping off my shoes.
Resting in my chair.
See you standing there,
The silver in your hair.

I'm coming home to you,
When I lay tonight, when I close my eyes,
I know the sun will rise,
Here or the next life.
As long as your still mine, then its alright.

I'll be fine
Cause when I die, then I die loving you
It's alright, I'll be fine
Cause when I die then I die loving you
Loving you, loving you

You have gray hair now,
But you're a beautiful women,
And the years have been good to both of us.
We walk slow now, but we still have each other.
The glue of love is still bonding us together.
That is what I remember. Do you remember?

Let us not forget those days...

6月30日

Yes. It might be alleviated by physical pain.

这是一场豪赌，筹码是时间.而且，我没有赢的把握.

人都不喜欢卑贱地卖笑，可又总是对笑脸产生好感.我不想再执迷不悟，可...

6月29日

又要上学了，所以我的博客又要活了...

六月* 碎香

Thu, 05 Jun 2008 04:04:43 GMT

6月16日

Vhall的网太烂了,导致我这么就没有更新...

我想我们犯了同样的错误,从一开始,老师对我们寄予了很大的希望,而且老师更看中你,可我们并没有尽力.我恨你那么聪明却没有足够的毅力.我很自己并不聪明却也不够努力.

我讨厌承认自己是弱者.

6月5日

高考将至...同志们加油,一切顺利!

五月＊泛滥着

Wed, 30 Apr 2008 20:41:28 GMT

谢谢你一直在看我的博客：）

5月25日
I glimpse at myself in the mirror. Oh, so Eerie.
Sorry for not attending today's xinmin gathering. I miss you guys badly, but I need a break. I need a hearty dose of rest and relaxation. Despite enjoying spending time with you guys, I relish time alone with my own thoughts as well. So do make allowance for my absence. :):) I'll appreciate your understanding.
I like exploring the world on my own terms and learning more about myself in the process. Not one to harp on the past or obsess about the future, I have a joyful way of savoring each experience as it comes.
Being sick of much socialization and toughness of communicating with NORMAL ppl, this time I want to indulge myself with some personal time within my cozy little space:)
Lots of frienz went home. I start to feel bored. Mid yr is around the corner, I'm still kinda directionless. Well, life isn't about what happens to you, but how you handle what happens. I believe I can do well for my mid yr. So this holiday is the time for me to buck up, since I am such a stupid and disorganized person. It's gonna be tough. However, tomorrow's progress is based on today's strugging pain.
You can do it, trust yourself!!
p.s. Shit! I have to brush up a lot of confusing concepts for all my subjects, sigh...

5月22日
This is the second last day before june holiday. I dun really love holidays cuz you lose all the motivation to do your work, especially for people like me who suck in time management.
To L.K.C
谢谢你还这么关心我. 谢谢上帝让我遇到你.虽然有点俗，我还是想说，你是我的贵人，值得我用一切珍惜的朋友.请原谅我从前的愚昧和懵懂，请给我个机会，让我们再重新作回朋友.

5月21日
风隽，生日快乐~
有地狱，我们也要一起猖獗.每个人都在躲避寒冷的风雪，我们却紧握双手，大声歌唱.
我还坚持着自己的信仰，我们一起仰望天空，淡淡的蓝色却沉淀着阴郁的灰.我看见你眯着眼睛，笑容粲然.我想向上帝请求，请让着笑容永远明媚，因为这个人是我永远的牵挂.
离开你的日子，不知不觉就晃过了3年.以后的日子也是聚少离多，不能一直陪在你身边，但我永远是你最坚实的后盾. I can give up on everything except you. I will always there to support you and hold your hands.
陪我一起笑过的人，也许我忘了.但是陪我哭过的人，我这辈子都不会忘的.
请记住，请相信.我是你永远的似，在这个浮世，为你保持你喜欢的笑容.即使你离开，我也会在原地等待.18岁了，我们的青春开始褪色.心的颜色却越来越明朗:)
想不清楚为什么，有的时候，自己理性地容不下一点点的混乱.什么事情都掂量得很清楚，骤然发现身边浮躁着太多的假象和谎言.然后就会很不安，像一个铁面的战士拿起到就捍卫自己疆域的宁静.可是乱砍一番，那些让自己不安的桎梏没有消失，却误伤了自己和身边最爱自己的人.
崔妍说，何必活得那么理性，多累啊.
是啊，为什么就和自己过不去呢？水至清则无鱼，何必活得那么小心翼翼，斤斤计较？
看见自己的伤疤，觉得很难看，就毫不犹豫的要去揭掉。褐色的血痂掉了，却露出了但粉色的皮下组织，敏感地，一阵风拂过都疼得想掉眼泪.何必呢？为什么就不留着那个疤呢？大度一点，忽略那个疤，或许就不会那么疼了？！
如果让我理性，就让我理智的彻底一点，不要再有头昏的时候.不然我每天都活在自责里，总在后悔，总在煎熬着...

5月19日
A broken mind is ruling over me.
I'm living in a goddamn paradox.

5月13日

昨天国内地震了，宝鸡也受到了影响。接到仝星电话说宝鸡地震，我吓了一跳，就一直给家里打电话，却怎么也打不通...还好有惊无险。

生命是如此得脆弱，人是如此得不堪一击。所以，有人告诉我一直把每一天当作人生的最后一天过，我并不觉得夸张。人的生命，并不顽强。

人一旦死了，就是永恒的消失了。当时心里想得全是家里，无形的恐慌却压得我喘不过气。那一震，天知道我会失去什么？没有什么是永恒的，家的存在也并不是那么稳当。没有家，我就是孤儿了。我就什么都没有了。我很害怕，虽然当时一直很镇定。

我是一只飞在天上的风筝，想飞得远，需要有人一直牵着我。那只手，就是我的家。

爸爸，妈妈，你们一定要保重。女儿为你们祈祷...

一个人来，就要一个人走，什么也带不走，什么也留不下。其实自己一直在犯一个错误，太过于理想化，不够理性。生活中，其实没有什么你可以真正拥有，你想要，就要自己去创造。永远不要渴望，不要相信，别人会带给你什么。

你要靠自己。你是你自己，。你只有你自己。

哪天，天上飘下来一块砖，你就一命呜呼了...或许有人会难过，但是，死了就是死了。

其实那一刹那，我为很多人恐慌。我的朋友，我的挚友们...没有了你们，我的生活会是多么苍白。想到风隽，想到LY，心里很痛。仿佛一只蝎子紧紧地攫住我的心脏，只有血液在有力地奔涌着...不要丢下我，求你们。

5月12日

I'm overjoyed with loads of stuff recently:)

After practicing guitar so hard, I nearly taste the fruit of diligence! In case you dunno I'm playing section 3 notes which is way too monotonous and boring. Our super guitar concert is on this friday. Wow, it's coming up realy sooooooon. Haha I need to practice more otherwise our show will be spoilt by me!!!

June holiday is just around the corner:):):)YAY!!!~~

5月9日

最近没什么大事，就是华会的exco竞选。我是局外人，但是还是有很多感想。

tx落选了，其实是意料之中的，不管怎样还是支持你...其实说句实话，所有cca中我就对华会有感情，因为和华会的人感情好.可是，很多其他原因，我以后还是想退华会，越来越觉得自己很out.加华会，是因我对舞台的眷顾。可是，我越来越对那个集体感到生疏，我不喜欢看到喜欢的人陌生的一面。人，在你面前是一个样子，在别人面前又是另一个样子。

同理，我不喜欢我的两个圈子重合，在不同的圈子里，我很分裂。

刚来vj的时候，本来是想扩大自己的圈子，多认识各种道上的人。因为选了最轻松的combi所以想好好享受生活...后来，想法就变了，认识的人多是很开心，但是游走在不同的人之间，不同思维方式和交谈方式的转变让我渐渐感到疲惫。不得不承认，我不是什么积极的人，在很多方便都值得批评。可是，我不想改变什么，就是想和我和得来的人在一起。所以转来转去，认识来认识去，身边固定的人还是那几个。

认识人多了，听你说话的人多了，可是能听懂你的话的人不一定因此而增多。

风隽说，不必刻意为别人改变自己。她还说，她喜欢我的棱角。我不会改变，我不锋芒毕露，但是我想保留自己的特色，尽管不是最好的，但是，始终有那么几个人一直支持着我，他们欣赏我的颜色，我也将为你们保留。

最近压力很大，常常有种快崩塌掉的感觉，不想哭。

有人对我说，永远不要因为感到绝望而放弃，而要坚持，因为上帝永远在帮你做每件事。上帝和你同行，千万不要因为看到只有一串脚印而感到灰心，那不代表上帝离你而去，而是因为你踩在上帝的肩膀上。那脚印是上帝的...将你的整颗心交托给主，想要轻松的生活，就要丢弃掉心里的贪念。是你的就是你的，如果注定不是你的，何必那样苦苦逼自己呢？

吕珍娜，永远记住，你不能倒下...

5月5日

I've gotten my super cool concert suit. Gosh... quite expensive. I love the topman black blouse. I look mature and gracegul in it. Haha narcissism. My black trousers is not so unique, but still nice cuz I'm wearing it!

Gr...I've gained weight in these FEW days. I look chubby!!

I slipped into depression again. Finally, after I screwed up so many tests and other stuff I felt GUILTY and UPSET.

Moreover I have to put up with some f***ing bitches in my CCA. I really hate those ppl who backbite other ppl. Out of sight, out of mind...I wanna quit that CCA, god, you know it's my main CCA and I can't quit!```@_@

God bless me and all of you.

5月5日

谢融，生日快乐阿~

阿牛——爱我久久

担心你为我爱阮
而放弃了自已
心疼你思念阮
而在深夜里哭泣
希望我能在你身边
为你擦乾泪湿的眼
孤单是我给你的伤害
让我吻一吻你的脸
你是我最简单的快乐
也让我最彻底的哭泣
我要用什么来说爱你
只怕我让你更伤心

喜欢你在乎的表情
尤其是吃醋的样子
你会说爱我很久很久
这时最温柔的事
喜欢坐摩哆的时候
轻轻靠在你的背后
让风吹乱你的秀发
拂去我所有哀愁
你是我最简单的快乐
也让我最彻底的哭泣
我用什么来说爱你
只怕我让你更伤心
你是我最简单的快乐
也让我最彻底的哭泣
我用什么来说爱你
只怕我让你更伤心
啦——————————

三言两语讲不清我对这首歌的感情，《白发魔女》的主题曲，爱死了...

我要做个苦练吉他的好孩子，指尖的趼子还没磨出来，急死我了...每次压弦的时候，都像被火烧了一样，燎得钻心。不行，我要开始和我的吉他培养感情，每天多抽时间抱一抱，恩~就像我室友那样每天抱着大提琴似的，前几天大提琴有恙，yingchun说“它最近越来越猖狂了”，俨然一幅妈妈管教孩子的样子。哈哈，难道我以后也要那样？

我到目前一首曲子都没练成，不行，我要发奋...我决定，我要自学一首曲子，送给一个人...

5月1日

Labour day, great! Cuz we have one day off!

I gotta hang out with some of my friends:) YAY, nice to be with you guys. In the afternoon, tx suggested to have dinner together. Any reason is enough for us to meet up and reminisce about our sweet XINMIN life.

Oh someone will be left alone:( Sorry babe, gotta miss you soon.

I'm still kinda slack. So disappointed in myself. I got only 16/35 for my first ever chem lecture test!!! Grrrrr.....He kept consoling me"You did well. It's okay." Well at least I passed, it's beyond my expectation. The night before the test, you guess what did I do? Instead of revising, I was...Got it? So fine. Is there a term in econs called opportunity cost? That's it.

April has gone, which means I'm 18!

Oh shit! It seems so ridiculous. I'm a young girl NO MORE.

四月＊18岁生日

Mon, 31 Mar 2008 17:03:21 GMT

世界只有在这一刻，才是宁静的。。。

4月29日

No one is flawless. Especially me, I am a person with countless shortcomings and weaknesses.

Pls bear with me.

Despite being loved by a lot of friends, I'm still very heartless to disappoint or even hurt some of you.

I'm sorry.

4月28日
最近生活挺充实的...project work in progress...still struggling to finish my tutorials.
本来枯燥的生活，多了几分浪漫的元素。突然觉得自己挺可笑的，总会做一些别人不bother做的事情。
发现有了他以后，和朋友在一起的时间越来越少。有点怀念一个人的日子了，总喜欢一个人random地坐bus,总喜欢一个人去图书馆，一个人逛街，一个人吃饭，一个人上网，一个人...一个人的滋味，是那种轻松的简单，不用繁复的语言，没有错杂的表情，没有...
现在的生活多了几分慵懒、闲散...每天有人等我放学，有人帮我拿吉他，出门有人帮我背包，晚上有人陪我跑步...突然一下子，原来轻闲的世界就多了一个人，孤单的时候会收到他俏皮的短信，无聊的时候身边有个人陪你无聊，学习的时候看到旁边有个人一幅正经的模样就忍不住想笑。
突然觉得，以前的自己太刚毅了...总是在逼迫自己，甚至生病了也没有好好的照顾自己。虽然在外面很多年，学会了独立，可还是不懂得怎样爱护自己。身边有这样一个人的出现，我的世界有个不小的震颤。
我累了。但是有人来陪我，对我说：有你真好...
The same to you, babe...

4月26日
Everyone is busy actually, however if you really want to accomplish something,it can hindered by nothing. The choice is yours, it depends on how motivated are you to do something.
Glancing through my accumulating tutorials and projects, I know I have to do something with it. It's undeniable that recently I'm out of the studying mood. Yep, no matter how disgusting the school is, as a student I'm supposed to stand it!
好想念我们新民16人的时光。圆圆啊，你要乐观呀。每次都那么自卑，只能让自己越来越没有勇气.华初是个人才济济地方，咱们要把心放宽。何况，你那么有毅力，没有困难可以压倒你的！哎～有空来找我玩啊

4月24日
感情这个东西，像握在手里的沙子，越握得紧，流失得越快。。。
好可爱，他连周末出去找朋友还要给我请个假...呵呵，听完我就笑了。这又不是囚禁，只是在你空闲的时候，如果你愿意，就来陪我，去海边散散步吹吹风就可以了。真的害怕，如果有一天，你会感觉被束缚。。。。
我们需要给彼此一些个人空间。毕竟，我们都有各自的父母、朋友、同学。I hope every minute we spend together can be extended interminably. However I really don't intend to take up so much of your time.

4月22日
4点钟，他失眠了。发了条短信，看了以后睡意全无，只感觉握手机的手都在颤抖。也许，幼稚，但我还是感动了。
我不后悔，我不会再和你开玩笑说分开。我们会在一起。
你可以每天发短信说看不见你的笑，我怎么睡得着
Darling. everthing seems so powerless to be expressed in words.
My life is still kinda messy...
All my homework and assessment are kinda f***ed up. 学习效率很不好，太忙了，都没什么时间学习。当然，我不想熬夜学习。最近，没有一天早睡，我觉得自己都快歇菜了。恶性循环，越这样越累，作业越做不完```
我靠，为啥总有人那么傻逼。明明是个二百五，还要在那装B.可悲的是，you have to put up with those people as they are ubiquitous... 其实，每个人都有自己的生活方式。或许，主观来说，自己都觉得自己很好，但是从别人的角度来看你，你多多少少都会被人看不顺眼。唉，而且，人们总是潜意识地会对周围的人有要求。所以，相处越多的人往往就是你觉得最不能容忍的人。但是上并非如此。
我想我还是要客观一些。谁能没点缺点呢~

4月21日
You cut me open
I'm bleeding, bleeding, bleeding love...
To LY:
Finally, you become my past. Pls remember that I love you once. My forever first love. When I saw your message, I felt like freaking out. I've come to a realization, I'm actually hurting myself by holding onto something that doesn't belong to me.
To my babe:
下雨了，你在我右边给我打着伞，雨沾湿了你的右臂。
都说，我们应该珍惜现在。可我总觉得，在我旁边痴傻地笑着的人应该离去。你说你不会走，你的眼神让我感到安定。可我却十分忐忑不安，you deserve someone better than me. You hold my hands and try to put me out of my misery.
You promise me that you ll always be there for me. Babe, I'm sick of promises as I always know...
Promises are meant to be broken.
I dun want to dampen you optimism for love. Pls forbear my nasty memory as we know life goes on.
I love you.

4月18日
"Scars"-Papa Roach

I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And my scars remind me that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

Drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
I'm pissed cause you came around
Why don't you just go home
Cause you channel all your pain
And I can't help you fix yourself
You're making me insane
All I can say is

[Chorus:]
I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut
My weakness is that I care too much
And our scars remind us that the past is real
I tear my heart open just to feel

I tried to help you once
Against my own advice
I saw you going down
But you never realized
That you're drowning in the water
So I offered you my hand
Compassions in my nature
Tonight is our last stand

[Chorus]

I'm drunk and I'm feeling down
And I just wanna be alone
You shouldn't ever come around
Why don't you just go home?
Cause you're drowning in the water
And I tried to grab your hand
And I left my heart open
But you didn't understand
But you didn't understand
Go fix yourself

I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I can't help you fix yourself
But at least I can say I tried
I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life
I'm sorry, but it's really wrong.
We are too impulsive. I'm panicking.
How to let you know my true feelings?
You'll hate me, I think.

4月16日
It's so incredibly wonderful when someone is always caring about you. Maybe I'd disappointed a lot of you. But I know clearly what I am doing. Pls believe me.
I'll do my best all the time. Don't worry.
呵呵，放了学，还没回到宿舍，就收到他的短信。问我有没有带伞，要不要他来接我。呵呵，只不过天有点阴，有点下雨的征兆。感动一下。
想起前几次，放学回家赶上下雨，浑身淋透了，感冒发烧。或许，不会再有下一次了吧
p.s.同志们，原谅我的肉麻。我只是向以这样的方式，让自己清晰地记下点点滴滴，时刻告诉你们还有自己。
我是幸福的。。。

4月14日
十七岁的最后一天，明天就十八。
话剧演完了，还算成功吧。最近所有烦心事都一一散去，海城圆满成功，yehan过敏也好了，我的作业也补得差不多了，发现身边的朋友比我想象中的还要关心我。而且，我的生活中，又走进来了一个人。
出其不意。仿佛活在臆想中，让我不知道握在手中的是否下一秒就会消失。
是该决定的时候了吧，一旦选择了，就难免会失去。我真得不知道该不该迈出下一步，可又不能再逃避。我想得到的，只是更多的支持和鼓励。
和他在一起，真得很开心。只是不知道，可以持续多久。我这个人好像注定不是享福的命，今天正为晚上很多朋友要为我举办生日party激动，我的钱包就丢了。欲哭无泪阿。我的人品就这么差吗。。。呵呵，不过某人在课间赶到PP来把我接回去了。为了怕我郁闷，居然让我上网看笑话讲给他听。我又被感动了，虽然这是个哄孩子都不一定有用的伎俩。
看到你在车上的那一刻，我一点委屈的感觉都没有了。
不管怎样，此时此刻，只想看着你对我笑，什么都不想要。

4月8日
Yes. I'm in lurve. I can't deny that.
My life was messed up by the unquenchable feelings.
Is this lurve? Or just an infatuation? Gosh I become so nonsensical and blind.
I hope I can get it over soon...
I just want to bash myself up. I can't forgive myself. But i can do nothing to control it.
I know I gonna be hurt again.
(Laughing at myself) Such an irony. Can't help falling in lurve.
Life is a misery an irony a trap....a whatever...Life is like shit!
SHIT!

4月8日
燕毛，淳耘生日快乐~！哈哈，你们过生日就意味着下个礼拜就是我的生日~
呵呵，今天仝星问我要怎么过生日，说他给我买了超贵的生日礼物。哈哈，不管怎么说，我听了以后很开心啊！！貌似，肖志鹏要在准备着什么，一个月前就在问我的鞋号还有地址。恩，知道你们关心我，不过寄东西真得很贵阿。其实每次收到大家发的短信，就high得不行了。还有几个朋友说要在我海城表演那天送我生日礼物，哇塞，拭目以待我的礼物。。。
爸爸也在问我要怎么过生日。恩，最近状态很差，自己的事情都理不清楚，哪有心思想怎么过生日呀~呵呵，只要能看见大家我就觉得很幸福了。
梁旭，你丫的上次去geylang说要送我什么来着，你别忘了！！真是的，最近我们都在排练，好久没见面了。不知道你又肥了多少。
苗苗，尧尧，娇娇还有圆圆，清雨，文文，丹彤。。。恩，我的小姐妹们，每次过生日必备的，哈哈！！
我的朋友们，很多很多。其实有很多人没有记住我的生日，也没关系，生日吗，就是普通的一天，不过也不会怎么样。我长大了，18了，不会再像以前那样幼稚了，不会因为在那天，忘记我的生日和你生气。lkc呵呵，现在想起来还很后悔，那个时候太幼稚了，我想你也不会介意的吧。不过，很感动的是，分开这么久了，每次过生日你的邮件总会让我想起，自己当时的任性。
有你们是幸福的，也许你们不会永远在我身边，但是我总希望我们在一起的每一秒都能被延长。
有爸爸妈妈关心也是幸福的，不管你做了什么，永远不变的都是他们的支持还有谆谆教诲。
足够了，我还想要什么呢？
幸福，就是这样了吧！

4月7日
Dun repeat your mistake. Move on. Life is still wonderful.
Be strong.

4月6日
都说是以退为进，欲擒故纵，实际上却举步维艰，进退维谷。。。不要埋怨别人，多数的困境都是自己给自己营造的。不是吗？
你的理智呢？你知道自己在做什么吗？
地球没有围绕一个人转，你崩溃了宇宙还在，所以，振作起来。好多姐妹支持着你！

4月5日

Dreaming with a broken heart...God bless! I'm awakened, though I'm so damn depressed.

Why? Tell me why...Is this a punishment for my unfaithfulness? No I'm not. I'm not...

4月3日

你可以否定我，但是，请不要质疑我！ I just can't take it.

4月1日

Happy April Fools' Day! Can't wait to see the jokes and pranks that gonna happen in school. Hoho~~

It's 12:28AM. The first time that I stay up to study after slacking off for so long. =P I'm still very confused on how to write my PI and very frustrated to know that all my friends had already accomplished that bullshit. All my three lovely roommates are sleeping soundly in their beds. I'm sweating and struggling to strike these stupid texts on my adorable cute lovely macbook.

Actually today I planned to clear all my accumulated homework. However I turned out to be even more relaxed. Nothing was done until now which is the time for me to sleep. I broke my record of going to bed before 11:59PM everyday. Going to bed in the early morning instead of at night is the most irritating behavior. Every morning faces written with sleepiness or lack of sleep disgust me extremely. It's not your fault to mug throughout the night but please clear up your looks. Your appearance does affect other people's mood. Life is a ironic. What the heck I'm staying up with my poor lamp's company. I swear this is the last time. I won't stay up during the night again!

I need to work on my stamina, everytime I have difficulties to finish my work on time despite having more than enough time to waste. More effort to be put in English. It is so amazing that I can't speak English but scored B3 for English for Olevels. What a shame! I can't even converse with some local friends in English. One more thing to mention, just now a super idiot look down on my english!!!

The main tasks of this month: more practices on speaking English, expand my vocabulary and finish work on time.

YAY, a fresh month ahead for me to enjoy. =D

ATTENTION: 15TH APRIL IS MY 18TH BIRTHDAY!!! Happy birthday to me and 雷蕾.

三月#紊乱

Mon, 03 Mar 2008 12:55:24 GMT

巧克力可以医治所有悲伤,如果不能,还有我.如果我不可以,我陪你一起...

3月28日

I have trouble concentrating on studies these few days. The endless time-consuming drama training is part of the reason. However mainly I think it is because of someone. I like him but I must curb on my feelings. Gosh I mean I like him only!!

Yep I know we are impossible. So let me get it over as soon as possible. My goal is right ahead of me. I know what I am doing.

So few of my local classmates are interested in our drama performance. T_T I'm so heartbroken. You know how much effort we have put in? Soooooo do buy a ticket and support us. God bless us..

3月24日

上次数学考试发成绩了，我得了42/50，还是比较满意的，在脑子一团乱没有好好复习的情况下。没有学习的动力，其实不完美的测验成绩或许可以成为让我坚持下去的动力。恩，要好好学习。不能总把要学的东西堆到最后。发现自己越来越松懈了，可能是最近心太累了。我觉得自己越来越懂得心疼自己了，在最近心情沮丧或者被突如其来的他们搅得乱七八糟的时候，知道让自己多吃些好吃的，多休息一下。

所以，关心我的人们，放心吧！我能照顾好自己的。

恩，最近感觉很好，多了一个朋友，很善良友好的男孩。暂且不论我们以后会怎样，只是希望他带给我的感动就这样延续下去。偶尔接到他打来的电话，用不怎么纯熟的华语跟我讲话。甚至，用很高谈阔论的口气给我讲道理。或许，最近没有什么人那样关心我。我很感动。我没有什么想法，只是感觉很好，被他帮助着，劝导着。。。随之而来，因该会有绯闻吧，我渐渐麻痹了这种东西，我想早晚有一天，我们会因为绯闻而不敢再单纯地面对彼此。我害怕这一天的到来。

圆圆，不要激动。我没有fell for that guy，只是很注意他，难得发现一个很欣赏的人。别激动，he's not going to be my next boyfriend. I even have difficulties to communicate with locals, how could he become my boyfriend？ For anyone who knows about my current condition, I'm very lost. I dun think I can get over the past. I'm sorry that I disappointed you. So far I dun think I can have one. But I wish that one day a good guy you deserve will come up to you. Haha.

最近忙着排戏了，堆了很多作业没做。恩，我有新室友了，很和气的女孩子。以后我们可以一起练习吉他。：）为了庆祝身边越来越多我喜欢的人，决定买块巧克力。嘿嘿。虽然离开了我们16人的群体，但是融入更大的圈子以后，会发现很多可爱的女孩。真得很希望，我能被你们的单纯、善良、积极向上所感染。恩，nie jiao被冠上了蘑菇的称号，决心做个好蘑菇。shao chen最近很想你，不要自卑，你很优秀。不要放弃，成绩不能决定什么，况且你有那么傲人的成绩。我们一起共勉。p.s.忧烦心是随时找我。cui yan总是让人感觉那么温暖。ye han会让人觉得有希望，很阳光。meng2偶尔会撒娇让人觉得很亲切。ying chun的determination是最值得我学习的。最近，最让我牵肠挂肚的还是li hong,我最近忙得团团转没什么时间去看你。恩，喜欢和你一起聊天。总之，现在有什么困难我相信你都能克服的。我虽然没什么经验，但是也十分希望能为你分担一些烦心事。我永远都是最最支持你的学妹，希望你一切顺利。

3月22日

Happy Easter everyone?!! Yeah, such a great day...The resurrection of Jesus Christ.

We are supposed to meet up at church for our first ever section outing actually. Finally it turned out to be a 2-ppl-outing(if it is still called an outing). Lols. God knows how I muster up all my courage to attend such an outing. Never have I been to any outings with local friends. My broken English will make them lose patience to speak to me. How frustrated. That is the main psychological hindrance that I'm struggling with. I CANNOT SPEAK UP!! Before I reached, I kept messaging liang xu as I was so damn nervous. I did not answer my section leader's calls just to avoid speaking English with him. Ultimately, I had to call him when I reached, God bless me, he spoke mandarin to me!!! To my surprise his chinese was very good.

Besides that what I must stress is the enlightenment I got from the drama.

Jesus was betrayed by Judas and denied by ppl he loved. Despite being hurt by these people he still forgived them afterall. He said"Father, forgive them as they don't know what they are doing." Forgiveness is simple to understand but difficult to fulfil. Can you forgive your friends when they insult you or put you in a very tough situation?

Unforgiveness will make your pain alive. It is a spiritual poison that will open the door for Satan, the foothold of all devils. Okay, from now on, Let's be people living without hatred, vengeance, unforgiveness. Open up your heart, speak to someone who you trust when you have a hard time.

3月18日

我总觉得自己太自私,总是想为别人多着想,总是觉得自己吃亏不要紧,千万不要亏了别人...后来,跟某些女人比起来,我觉得自己真他妈得高尚...

真是给脸不要脸,不要觉得我对你很和气,就觉得我很和气.妈的,你占我便宜的时候,我都是一忍再忍,总觉得基于女性情意,我不应该跟你计较.靠!我他妈的一栽到你手里,你就不依不饶.你这不是明摆着犯贱吗?!如果你真得看不出来我这几天忙得着急上火心情不好,你就继续吧...在现实生活中,让我又认清一类人很贱...你占我便宜可以,我他妈脑子进水如果我再找你帮忙...我再找你帮忙,我就是连贱人都不如的白痴...

女人,不要以为你每天彬彬有礼,待人接物有气度,学习还不错就屌!我还就是低俗,没气质,没风范...你们那种人,也就表面上让人感觉好而已.我早烦了,看到那种成天装B的"乖宝宝"就烦.靠.真是贱到骨头里了,连表面上都无法辨认出你很贱...

人活着有点伪装没错,你不想让别人一眼就看穿你贱人的本质我也可以理解.靠.一百个人里才能见到一个你这种经典.

原谅我的出言不逊,我是真的很生气,但是为了不伤和气,我也只能这样发泄.很委屈.只是,如果连我都计较如何被别人占了便宜,我就气死了.反正你占我便宜我也死不了.你高傲地向我示威我也死不了.

不过我会向上帝祈祷的,你每惹我一次,就让我身上的一块肥肉长你脸上...我疯了,小人!!!!!!气死我了....

3月17日

Today we have maths common tast. I din do muc revision.'cos my holiday was packed with drama trainings.

Actually I din have much things to revise on. I only have the notes. I din buy textbook or exercise book. I thought i should be enough for me.

My life was in a mess.

3月14日

今天去看了看马上要上大学的学姐.感觉很不一样,就像她说的,一瞬间成熟了很多.

其实之前好几次,我特别迷茫的时候,都是去找她聊天.觉得和她很谈的来,有很多共同思想,也很投脾气.这一次,或许她又把从迷惘中解救了出来.

如今的我,活得太没有方向感,我还没有搞清楚状况,甚至不知道自己要什么.

最近忙着华会的一些事情,仔细考虑之后,觉得自己是在无意义地浪费时间.或许那是我喜欢的,但是那并不是我需要的,而且它花掉的时间本来可以用来做更有价值的事情.主要是这一段时间都没能潜心学习,甚至马上考试了,我还在不分主次地瞎忙活.跟学姐聊天以后,突然意识到等毕业以后,这些都不算什么,真正影响自己的,还是学习成绩.我简直太白痴了,竟然这样分不清楚状况.海城表演完,我想也该收心了,我玩够了,以后也没有精力再这么玩下去了.

在这个强人云集的学校,我如果要生存下去就必须有好成绩.我太麻痹了,这一段时间以各种借口逃避学习,在这样下去我就该垫底了.不行,我必须赶上去!我必须不惜一切代价赶上去...

最近,又和一个好朋友发生了点不愉快,太不应该了.其实,如果处不来,我们本来就不应该走得那么近.算了,不是朋友也罢.学姐说,会遇到好朋友的,尽管现在还没有.路遥知马力,日久见人心.

其实,周围很多我喜欢的女孩,性格都很好,只是和我这种人的性格差太远...找一个能谈得来的人,太难了.

3月13日

What a hectic day today...We took the whole day to rehearse for Chinese drama night. YES! It's in days to come!
I supposed to STUDY during holidays. However I did not cos the drama thing took up all my time and the musical dance. After it cost me a lot, both emotionally and financially. I realized it was not what I want!
At first I thought it was a really formal performance. Finally it turned out to be so disappointed. Maybe that's why I had the chance to play a part. I disliked my role, and the script did not really interest me. I regretted!
Anyway I must do my best during the show. After that I can quit without a guilty conscience.

3月11日

在国内,现在正是万物复苏的时候吧...又想起来,没年这个时候,都会在日记本里面矫情一番,写什么:春风拂去了冬季的肃杀,使万物复苏...之类的.呵呵,说起来讽刺,我马上都是成年人了,却还要继续矫情下去...假期的中华文学作业是.倒~我的第一反应:把我的博客地址给你吧...我的副标题,哈哈.不过想到我亲爱的室友们都要写的什么econs essays,我还有什么脸抱怨呢?人家那才是高难度,高水准的东西.
病了快一个星期,才渐渐有好转的迹象.这次也不知道为什么发烧,不过让我想起sec3的时候,有一次上奥数之前,下大雨,我和于尧淋得比洗澡还湿.后来她发烧了,我没事.我这是惭愧啊...好久没见她了,挺想她的,没了她的大嗓门,这一天天放了学感觉跟没上学一样.哈哈.真不知道,她现在在NJ是不是也天天上课睡觉,有没有老师批评她,有没有人像我们一样把她睡觉的小模样偷拍下来,哈哈.这都是我们曾经干的无聊壮举(oxymoron)
话说,我昨天带病去听台湾著名小说家,王文兴的讲座.妈呀,去了我才知道我离教授的距离有多远,我压根听不下去.那个爷爷把一句话能前后重复好几遍,一段话能给你讲成一篇论文,那个废呀..受不了了!然后,他讲还不好好讲,动不动给你讲英文,那天我别的没学,就学了几个单词:existential reflection,comic relief,poeticize,allegory...听了一半,我们就集体开溜...
刚才梁旭发短信说他明天过来,久违了的亲切感.一想到我们16个,就感觉像困在山里的一群羊,现在又被打散了的感觉.上帝眷顾我,让我还有几个伙伴同行,可想想昨天梁旭在QQ上说的,他一个人在RJ...唉,我又伤感什么呢,两年以后,我们还是会团聚的.
至少,我的多愁善感证明我是有感情的...哈哈

海城马上就要彩排了,身为一名演员的我竟然在这种关键时刻倒下了.我想起了爸妈以前骂我的话"狗肉包子上不了席"...一说起爸妈,好久都没给他们打电话了,别人都用了好几张电话卡了,我的一张卡没用完,还剩好几个小时...爸妈也懒得苛责我了,我就是这么一个没心没肺的女儿...唉!
室友这几天开玩笑,要找男朋友,理由是想让男朋友去超市的时候帮忙提东西.哈哈,我们都狂笑不之.看看宿舍里的一对对,比华中的少多了,但是也不乏让人印象深刻的.
其实,我一直不觉得早恋有什么错,我更不解为什么会有"早恋"这个词.人发育成熟了,思想逐渐完备,自然就会有一些朦胧的情愫.家长不提倡早恋,是因为他们在推卸正确教导我们的责任.国内还是保守,不像国外.想当初,国内的学生谈恋爱,跟打游击战似的,别提多苦了,看看国外小孩明目张胆的...不过看见这边的"小情侣"我还真得不提倡"早恋"了.哈哈
想当年,我们新民也有两个幸福的女人.希望你们继续幸福下去...
今天怎么废话这么多?估计是因为这几天嗓子疼,没怎么说话的原因!

3月10日

I'm down with a fever, flu headache coughing...Oh gosh I think I am going to HELL!!!
Anyway there are still friends who help me when I feel so helpless...Haha thanks to all my friends. I am so touched by you all. A friend in need is a friend indeed. Actually what I want to convey is 患难见真情!
However this time I have fallen sick for a really long time. I am drained of energy. I hope I can lose some KGs otherwise it's so unworthy to suffer.
Just kidding. I can't afford to lose weight though..Seriously i need to be healthier by doing more exercise and eat more. Really nothing is healthier than food. Eat well you can keep fit as well as keep in shape, haha...
I assumed I was under too much pressure...Endless drama training, dancing staff as well as my common test. Shit I haven't started revision. I am dying...

3月7日

今天没去上学,昨天有点发烧,到现在还有点头疼.早上头晕转向地去找诊所,然后在那个满地都是诊所的地方没找到诊所.后来真得感觉太虚弱了,浑身都是虚汗,我就提了一大堆吃的回来了.买了一大桶奶,还有水果面包之类的.东西很沉,感觉胳膊都快被东西坠断了.
休息好,我就要开始为我的GP essay挣扎了.我的英语现在是最让我头疼的问题,天哪,那些题目让我用中文写我都不一定能写得出来,还让我英文写,杀了我吧!!!
不过,最近的生活也不光是这些阴霾.哈哈,我越来越喜欢08s47这个集体了.我想,他们也许会让我渐渐地喜欢上新加坡人吧.不管他们是可爱,调皮,稳重,关切,八卦,都让我觉得他们是在一点一点地接纳我们这些外国人.他们的确给我在vj的生活带了了一点期待.为了能更融入我们这个集体,我决定多讲英语,多和他们交流.
我们的剧组也越来越亲密了,那些我们一起讲得冷笑话,还有同学们恶搞彼此的举动,都让有点在国内和同学在一起的感觉,一个字,亲切.噢,不,两个字,呵呵.最近累得要死,好在明天放假,能好好休息了!
今天A level出成绩了,希望学姐们都能取得好成绩,刚才听邵晨说华初bio的distinction percentage 90%多,physics却只有40%...无语中,现在,还不知道vj中华文学考得怎么样,现在有点想换combi了...

3月3日

I was totally pissed off by maths...Just now our maths tutor mentioned that scholars were poor at maths surprisingly, many scholars from previous batch even flunked. Oh that's terrible, that means I will FAIL my maths very likely...It is such an insult if I can't even score well for maths.

Okay life is still fine without studies...

Grrrr....I gonna learn some stupid classic dances!!! It seems so unattainable. My school days are packed with loads of tutorials and drama practices. Gosh how to juggle my studies with sooooo many CCAs and other activities? I suddenly lost faith in myself. Please!!! Sciences and maths are my strengths NO MORE...I am a scholar. I don't want to disgrace my country with my horrible results.

Today I skipped GP lessons as I was sick of the essay writing skills. Inevitably I still have to finish one GP essay by friday. GOD give me a break. Don't kill me with so much work. Otherwise please give me one more brain to struggle with the super hard tutorials.
I am dying. I think I am such a poor thing with poor IQ.
I'm damn stressed and depressed. Shit its 1120pm now, actually i should sleep early in order to refresh myself for tomorrow's lessons, but I haven't finished one question by now. I feel like killing myself.

3月3日

今天是个好日子,3是我的幸运数字,不过也没有什么特别的事发生.除了我换上了维初的校服.或许,这意味着我已经完全脱离了以前的生活,步入了一个新的大集体.我不由自主想起了新民16人...人如果一直停留在过去,他将无法前进,我就是一个想永远溺死在过去的人.
我在不断的认识新的人,哈哈,和不同的人聊天真是件趣事,尤其是那几个海星来的陕西同胞太搞笑了,减少了些我对新民"七匹狼"的思念...哈哈,还有"小红毛"天天陪着我,给我唱"哼哼小宝贝"我这天天笑得都快晕过去了.
最近,发疯似地吃白巧克力,真是奢侈,挥金买脂肪...或许是最近心里憋得慌,需要调整一下心情吧,巧克力无疑会迅速地让我恢复活力...至于,最近长的脂肪,在演出前,我会想办法.
最近,GP和PW浇灭了我刚刚燃起的学习劲头,当初我放弃了历史选了中华文学,可如今PW和GP是无论如何也找不到alternative了.我真的不想像sec3学bio那样再来苦读GP了.想想当初我脑子有病,全身心投入到bio里,如今却学的phy,我当初真应该drop bio,腾出我50%的时间来学c.lit和英文.我想,假期也许是个buck up的机会.唉,v hall真是个颓废的地方.主要很少有和mugger接触的机会,所以就让我有了更充足的颓废理由.我想,我马上就会变成名符其实的trash student.哈哈,当我连成绩都没有的时候,我在这个世界上也就只剩下一口气了,什么都没了...真讽刺...
最近,很想找个人一起聊天,i mean是那种heart to heart的聊天.我真是个白痴,哈哈,居然这么点小压力就让我迷茫了.然后我发现,我去和谁聊天呢?自打我搬过来,就没有正常地跟别人交流,不是跟别人扯皮就是开别人玩笑...I am a joker...
事实证明,去一个没有熟人的新学校是正确的选择,只是我没有能耐,我去不了RJ.身边有熟人,你永远作不了新的自己,因为我旧日的SB形象会依然影响着我的生活,我也不打算改变了,上大学吧.我发誓,上大学我会全新全意地作真实的自己.
我觉得,我像是被埋在一个沙堆里生活,我看不清自己,别人更看不清我.那我,我有什么理由埋怨别人对我的misjudgment呢?而当我用沙子,一粒一粒地把自己埋起来的时候,我想我忘了有一天我还要一粒一粒地把它们清理掉...